


Condom Cop Strikes Again

by SuperRedRobin (SweetFanfics)



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU, DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Condoms, F/M, Gifts, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-24
Updated: 2012-04-24
Packaged: 2017-11-04 06:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/SuperRedRobin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Condom Cop tries to help certain couples on Valentines day. Too bad for him his victims don't appreciate the gifts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Condom Cop Strikes Again

“What’s this?”, Stephanie turned around the small parcel around in her hands. She checked for a return address as Jason looked up from cleaning his guns.  
  


“I dunno. Dickie sent that today. Haven’t gotten round to opening it yet.”  
  


“Do you mind if I…?” she gestured at the box as she asked. Jason handed her a knife and she used it to cut through the tape. Pulling off a stray piece of tape, she pulled the top open and dug through the wrapping bubble.  
  


“What the…”  
  


—  
  


“But what would your brother send _me_?” Colin asked as he passed the box over.  
  


Damian rolled his eyes as he accepted the box and the scissors that followed, “It will most likely be some gift of an inane sentimental nature. He always tends to select gifts like that.”  
  


Taking back the scissors after Damian had cut through the tape, Colin commented, “I like gifts like that.” He took a step closer as Damian opened the box up and pulled away the bubble wrap.  
  


There was a long moment of silence.  
  


“I am going to kill him.”  
  


—  
  


Kon stared in confusion at the open box. “I didn’t know they came in that shape.”  
  


He jumped slightly as Tim smacked the box against his chest with an angry growl. Looking down at the opened box in his hands and then at Tim, who was stomping out of the room, Kon quickly placed the box down on the nearest flat surface and raced after Tim.  
  


“Tim! Remember, you can’t kill him!”  
  


“I will seriously _maim_ him then!”  
  


—  
  


The sound of his window being opened made Dick look up from the TV. He stood up with a grin, “Hey there Timbo! What’s u-WHOA!”  
  


He ducked as the book which had been resting on the table a few seconds ago, went flying past his head and smacked into the wall. Dick gaped at the fallen book and then at Tim, “ _The hell_ was _that_ for?”  
  


Tim was even less pleased than Dick as he held a finger up, “You _ever_ sending _anything_ like that gift of yours to Conner again, and that’s gonna be a batarang aimed at your head.”  
  


Before Dick can even begin to formulate a reply, there is a terse rapping on his front door. “Just…hold on a second. Just hold on.” Dick gestured for Tim to stay put before skidding over to the front door which seems greatly in danger of being pounding down.  
  


He’s only opened the door when Damian stalked in (and all over his toes to boot) with a hiss. “Are you doing _senile_? What possessed you to send that pathetic excuse of a _gift_ to Wilkes?!”  
  


Damian suddenly noticed that there was someone else in the room and he gave Tim a terse nod. Tim nodded back, arms still crossed over his chest as he asked, “He sent you those things too?”  
  


The teenager’s right eyebrow twitched as he ground out, “In various hues.”  
  


The incredulous look Tim gives him makes Dick want to crawl under his sofa and he’s inching towards the furniture when his front door is thrown open again. Stephanie’s eyes dart over Tim and Damian, “Hi Tim, Damian.”  
  


And then land on Dick. She pulled out a familiar looking box and made her way over to where Dick is attempting to determine the best escape route. The older man falls down on the sofa in shock as Stephanie walks right up to him. And closes his eyes with a wince as she raised the box and tipped its contents over the man’s head. And then tossed the empty box at him.  
  


“You pull a stunt like this again and I’m making Jason come after you.” That said, she whirled around and walked out of the apartment, leaving no trace that she had been there. Except the numerous silver foil packets of heart shaped condoms decorating Dick.  
  


After hearing the door slam shut, he slowly opened an eye to make sure that he was out of immediate danger. He winces when he realizes that both of his younger brothers are standing in front of him, wearing oddly identical looks of murderous wrath.  
  


He holds up his hands, sheepish smile in place, “I’m just looking out for you guys?”  
  


Dick was _very_ glad that he had been given the best training available or else he’s not sure if he would have been able to dodge the flurry of books that were launched at him at that comment.  
  


 


End file.
